Last week, I mentioned something that I referred to as “the struggle” (I vigorously avoided calling it “my struggle” for obvious reasons). Here is how I described it:
There's a peculiar sensation that's become increasingly familiar as I grow this newsletter—a kind of surreal absurdity that comes with constantly arguing in favor of the blindingly obvious against the patently absurd. It's as if I'm regularly having to craft thoughtful essays on why guzzling Liquid Plumber is bad or why torturing babies is wrong. This constant need to debunk utter lunacy, to argue for what should be self-evident truths, it's not just exhausting—it's mind-numbing.
Indeed. But as sour is best paired with sweet, I'll follow that up with a more optimistic but equally palpable observation. Let's call it "the awakening"—the steadily growing realization throughout the Gables that electing figures like Ariel and Dr. Castro was an experiment gone awry; that the so-called anti-establishment uprising that propelled them into office always had a vicious and unsettling dark side; and to the unlikely extent this uprising possesses any redeeming qualities, they are vastly outweighed by the massive overcorrection embodied in the emergent phenomenon known as KFC.
Hence the approach to today’s topic, i.e. KFC's vile weaponization of 9/11 in their latest manufactured scandal by cynically exploiting a national tragedy in an attempt to damage a political opponent.
A political hit job this odious would normally yield a painstaking multi-part series. Today, however, I’ve opted to feature KFC’s repugnance more prominently and efficiently by way of the video above, which was created by a very talented individual who is very dear to me. It’s my attempt to engage in, to borrow an old phrase, slightly less telling and more showing. After all, the more residents notice the emperor's nakedness, the less I should have to point it out.
Consider this video a supercut—a compilation designed for both economy and effect. I doubt many of you are willing to sit through hours of raw footage anyway. Although heavily edited, it's anything but a distortion. Think of it, rather, as a distillation, a concentrated dose of the malignant toxicity that KFC injects into all their faux scandals. As always, you can replay commission meetings in their entirety here.
Nevertheless, and for the sake of easing into this new approach, I’ll offer a few brief color-boosting observations to help round out the picture, something which I will strive to do less of as time marches on:
Stop the clock
This 9/11 brouhaha springs from Lago's unveiling of the F.P. Journe clock—a generous donation to the city facilitated by Lago himself. It's the same clock that KFC—who despise Lago with the heat of a thousand suns and pray for his every endeavor to fail—futilely tried to block months ago with a barrage of asinine objections. Chief among these was Ariel's laughable insistence that the gift of a $100,000 timepiece from one of the world's most prestigious brands should be "put out to bid." Then again, what else can you expect from a man whose entire adult life has been one long exercise in mooching off others' diligence and generosity?
But why aren’t you upset?
If you're wondering how we leapt from clock to 9/11, it's simple: Lago scheduled the unveiling for the evening of September 11th. Of course, leave it to KFC to weaponize a national tragedy in an attempt to derail a minor municipal event they'd been gunning for all year. Unsurprisingly, Lago’s scheduling decision bothered literally no one until KFC decided it had to. And even then? Silence. Not a hint of outrage beyond those who drink from the font of perpetual resentment the bubbles at the core of KFC’s inner circle.
Then again, maybe this is what an angry mob looks like these days:
Wise Guys
Speaking of KFC’s inner circle, as you saw in the video it now officially, undeniably, and unreservedly includes the police and fire unions—a fact they don’t bother to try and hide anymore. They’ve become KFC’s muscle. Their wise guys, so to speak.
Always forget
Kirk sponsoring the Patriot Day item was an odd choice. While Ariel typically delegates his dirty work, he would've been the logical frontman here. After all, this is the man who’ll gleefully post a selfie for fourth-tier “holidays” along the lines of National Cheese Doodle Day.
Kirk, meanwhile, can't muster even a perfunctory "Never Forget" post for 9/11. His social media feeds are replete with tributes to the all-important Miami Hurricanes, the revered Actor's Playhouse, the ethereal and omnipresent divine light, and, most importantly, pickleball!
But 9/11? Not a peep. Scroll through his timeline and you'd think those towers were still standing. In fact, as of writing, Kirk’s most recent social media post is dated September 8th 2024. Surprise, surprise, it’s a Dolphins post. Good thing September 11th didn’t fall on a Sunday this year, or else Kirk would have had to solemnly remember it from section 154, row 29 at Hard Rock Stadium.
Hence why this idea of Kirk suddenly finding himself overcome by a tidal wave of profound patriotism and emerging as the unlikely champion of 9/11 remembrance comes off as more than a tad farfetched.
Do as I say, not as I do
Regarding Ariel's endless selfie celebrations: Lago hits the nail on the head in the video. He basically tells Ariel to watch his step on that slippery slope he’s navigating. For a guy who claims to take tragic anniversaries so seriously, Ariel has a knack for missing some rather important ones.
Take December 7th, Pearl Harbor Day—the second deadliest attack on American soil with 2,403 deaths. Ariel's social media? Crickets. Then there's April 19th, the anniversary of the deadliest act of domestic terror in our nation’s history, the Oklahoma City Bombing. 168 people, including 19 children in a daycare, lost their lives in that attack. And how did Ariel mark this day? By glad-handing at an Adult Activity Center variety show and flooding Instagram with eMerge conference selfies.
You have to wonder, therefore, if Ariel could actually stomach a dose of his own sanctimonious medicine: "So, Commissioner, I see you were gallivanting around town on the anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing. Exactly how many dead babies does it take to merit your attention? How do you determine which national tragedies deserve solemn remembrance and which don’t?"
Quite the double-edged sword he’s playing with, wouldn’t you say?
You’re the problem
My view of the landscape tells me that this was KFC’s most unsuccessful and self-defeating PSYOP yet, mainly because it revolved around an attempt to foment outrage over an outlook that 99.9% of Americans share.
I don’t know what world KFC lives in, but the one I inhabit doesn’t include millions of Americans sitting shiva 23 years after the 9/11 attacks. Most of us have learned to keep calm and carry on. We remember the tragedy, count our blessings, and go on living our lives. We shuttle our kids to school, go to work, have dinner, and spend time with family and friends. Some of us celebrate birthdays and wedding anniversaries. Some of us go to the movies, or concerts, or sporting events—like the baseball game Miami Marlins played against the Pittsburgh Pirates this year. Will Ariel publicly reprimand, crocodile tears and all, his precious Marlins for daring to play a game—a game!—on 9/11? Of course not, because that would be what’s called “living by one’s own yardstick,” something Ariel could never do.
Piercing the pathos
Finally, wouldn’t it be nice if we could inoculate our little community against the lowbrow, gotcha, everything-is-a-third-rail style of politics that has all but ruined D.C.? Wouldn’t it be great if we could debate ideas honestly and intelligently without fear of being taken out of context and smeared and maligned?
Perhaps Anderson and Lago genuinely support making 9/11 a municipal holiday. Maybe they don’t. We'll likely never know. Why? Because Kirk's proposal was obviously outrage bait—the predicate for a highly telegraphed stunt, and Anderson and Lago, seeing the trap, naturally saw voting “yes” as the path of least resistance. Who can blame them?
Still, wouldn't it have been refreshing to hear a logical counterargument, a rational antidote to Kirk's cynical attempt at pathos? Making 9/11 a holiday isn't a no-brainer, and suggesting that only the uncaring would oppose it insults millions of thoughtful and empathetic Americans. As others more knowledgeable than I have argued, we rarely dedicate holidays to specific tragedies in this country. Yes, we honor fallen heroes on Memorial Day, but it's not tied to a specific event. And even that holiday is drifting from its purpose. Take one look at what happens at South Beach every Memorial Day weekend and tell me if that scene looks like it has anything to do with honoring those who lost their lives fighting for this country.
Indeed, the real problem here is not that our mayor is cold and heartless, it’s that the people sitting next to him are stupid and shameless.
Patriot Games