What Would You Say You Do Here?

To be barely capable of the bare minimum.

The film buffs among you might recognize the title of this post. It is one of many memorable lines from the 90s classic Office Space, a quintessentially Gen-X satire that explores the supposed vapidness of life in the trenches of corporate America. The line, which seems to enjoy a kind of memetic immortality in the minds of movie geeks between the ages of 40 and 60, is delivered in an iconic scene by the incomparable John C. McGinley, who plays a consultant tasked with trimming the fat at a company bloated with superfluous labor. It is a scene that, thanks entirely to Ariel, Kirk, and Dr. Castro’s utter fecklessness as a ruling coalition, has been bouncing around my cranium quite a bit these days.

As an aside, I recently came to the realization that I need some sort of collective moniker for Ariel, Kirk, and Dr. Castro. After all, they move almost entirely in lockstep now, meaning I often find myself having to write all three names in succession, which can get a tad clunky. I had considered the “Squad,” the “Borg,” and the “Unholy Trinity,” but they struck me as too current, too campy, and too severe, respectively. Ultimately, I figured an acronym would be best, something short, recognizable, and memorable. And after trying every letter combination there is, I settled on the only one that seems to work: “KFC” (Kirk, Fernandez, and Castro). So, there you have it.

At any rate, the fecklessness I am referring to has nothing to do with the chaos at city hall. As I have said at length in the past, the chaos is purely intentional. No, by fecklessness I mean KFC’s inability to achieve their constituents’ objectives through constructive means; their reluctance to craft viable policy, to legislate, to lead. As exhilarating as organized subversion may be to the Jacobins who support these people, there are only so many heads that can be fed to the guillotines and there are only so many city employees that can be bludgeoned into resignation.

At some point, if KFC are serious about curbing overdevelopment, if they are serious about preventing the establishment of Brickell West right here at home (and I am with you on that), they are going to need to craft and pass viable, meaningful, and lasting legislation to that effect. If they want to permanently preclude the county from allowing a 40-story building to be erected mere blocks from Burger Bob’s, then they should probably get serious about snatching up Little Gables while they still can instead of reflexively rejecting it for the sake of creating yet another pile of crap in which to shove Lago’s nose. And if they are serious about preventing the Alhambra Water Tower from going the way of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, then they are going to want to commit themselves to sound fiscal policy. Oh yeah, and they will want to stop prevaricating about their unsuccessful junket to Tallahassee and admit the fact that the big fat raises they gave themselves piqued the legislature and jeopardized outside funding for important projects like the water tower.

Full-time but still half-assed

They know all this, by the way. At least Ariel does, hence his sudden, if ham-handed, attempt at the last commission meeting to at least appear as if he is trying to legislate by placing real, bona fide, big-boy items on the agenda—actual ordinances. Two of them! It would seem he finally got smart and realized that discussion items and toothless resolutions provide insufficient positive counterbalance to all the antagonism he has brought to the commission. Ariel finally saw that unlike Dr. Castro, who is perfectly content with her role as his sock puppet, and Kirk, whose remarkably narrow interests are confined to only that which hits close to his own home (I mean that more literally than you might think), he needs to actually do something that might justify the abundant hype with which he was elected. After all, his record on legislation is hardly inspiring. By my count, he has had six ordinances fail and two pass (and those two were ordinances that he co-sponsored). Not a great showing for the first nine months of a supposed revolution.

Unfortunately, all this did was reveal just how disinterested, unprepared, and, frankly, incompetent Ariel is when it comes to being an actual commissioner. Take his first ordinance, item E-8, which if passed would have reduced the size of for sale/lease signs across the city, including on Miracle Mile, down to what you see in the residential areas. Just to make sure you understand the degree of change we are talking about, you can see what is currently allowed vs. what is proposed via the white and green exhibits below:

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. And also the signs in the Gables are too big.” —Barack Obama

Look, I was as excited for this as you were. For me, it was always affordable health care, social security reform, and smaller for rent signs that I had hoped to see before I died. So it really hurt to see Ariel snatch defeat from the jaws of victory on this one and have to defer this much-needed legislation. Mistakes do happen, of course, especially when one is extremely busy doing the work of the people, but it would appear Ariel made a big one when he kinda sorta forgot to tell anyone about his awesome idea. Like…anyone. Which meant the property owners and tenants were thrown for a bit of a loop. Here, in her own words, is the Chair of the Coral Gables Chamber of Commerce:

Whatever, hater. Who called the fun police? Seriously though, as much as it might hurt his ego to acknowledge this, Ariel is not, in fact, the Supreme Leader of Coral Gables. He cannot just will whatever he pulls out of his ass into existence. If he hopes to succeed on a somewhat regular basis, he will probably have to garner outside support, particularly when it comes to those most affected by his legislation. In other words, he will have to do what the rest of us would call the bare minimum of due diligence.

At least Ariel’s other highly impactful ordinance, E-7, fared much better. It actually passed, albeit with an amendment. This one addressed the ongoing epidemic of hurricane shutters remaining closed year-round by imposing stiff penalties on violators. Finally, we get an ordinance aimed at facilitating the city’s long-awaited crackdown on the two most contemptible types of offenders known to man: vampires and little old ladies who have no one to help take their shutters down. Take that, abuela! In any event, likely because everyone could see that this was nothing more than a harmless solution in search of a problem, the item passed 5-0. All you shutter offenders out there—all zero of you—be advised.

Nevertheless, as illuminating as a careful viewing of a commission meeting can be, the truly revealing stuff happens off the dais. That is where the real work of a commissioner is done; the research, the outreach, the many hours spent poring over copious amounts of data and background on all the important issues (supposedly). So with that in mind, a truly fair evaluation of a commissioner’s performance should therefore give all due consideration to what he is able to accomplish behind the scenes. Moreover, when looking at his performance off the dais, one should focus not on mere trivialities, but on how he handles the biggest and most important issues of the day.

The dog ate my Fritz and Franz

For reasons passing understanding, the saga involving the Fritz and Franz lease renewal is the hot topic in the Gables these days. It is the issue that has gotten a good chunk of the community’s dander up, and, by all accounts, one that has been brewing (pun intended) for months, if not years. So, naturally, even if it took a while for the public to become fully aware of it, we can assume that each of our dedicated elected officials had this on their radar well before most of us learned about it in the Miami Herald. Right?

Apparently not. As you will see in the email exchange below, a certain allegedly full-time, highly dedicated, super hardworking, indefatigable, and still-underpaid commissioner somehow got blindsided by this, despite being practically spoon-fed all the relevant background months before this story broke. It all starts with an email sent by a resident to Ariel alerting him to the Herald article about Fritz and Franz:

As you can see, this was sent on December 14, 2023. That evening, Ariel sends the following email to the city manager, castigating him for allegedly leaving the commission in the dark regarding Fritz and Franz:

Here is where it gets good. The very next morning, the manager fires back a reply in which he takes Ariel to task for, among other things, not reading his emails. According to the city manager, the entire commission was given a thorough briefing via email all the way back in September:

Here we have Ariel shortly thereafter replying to the city manager, admitting that he had not seen the briefing until that morning. Notice Ariel’s salty tone and patented blame shifting is in full effect:

And, finally, here is the infamous email, with Fritz & Franz Bierhaus written in big bold letters up top, containing the briefing that was sent to the entire commission back in September. The one Ariel claims to have not seen despite having received it:

The Gables Grifters

I am not sure how many times I have to say it, cherished reader, but I will say it as often as necessary: Ariel is full of it. So is his marionette. So is his butler. They are grifters, each of them. But Ariel is the ringleader, and in my book that means he deserves an extra dose of scorn.

He campaigned as a speaker of truth to power, as “Your Gables Insider,” all while hiding the fact that he was being paid to run skewed stories. He told you that he would be the most resident-friendly commissioner to ever sit on the dais, but now ignores almost all of you. He told you that serving as your commissioner would be his life’s greatest honor, but then complained that he was not being paid enough once he got the job. And he claims to work 40+ hours a week (a novelty for him), but somehow cannot be bothered to read his emails, even the ones sent by the city attorney, even the ones that pertain to the single most important issue in the eyes of his supporters.

This is why I am so hard on him. It is not that I dislike his vision for the city, it is that he does not have one. He has a vision for himself, one that, to the extent it features you at all, features you as nothing more than a facilitator. You are, at best, an extra in his destructive and delusional hero’s journey.

I am sorry, but this is the cold hard truth. Neither Ariel nor the rest of KFC have any interest in you. It is why after all this time, they have yet to accomplish anything of substance despite owning three votes and the ability to do essentially whatever they want. They only care about their seats on the dais along with all the attendant money and perks, and they are hoping that you are stupid enough to keep them there. They are betting on the fact that you will never wise up, look past all the antics, and ask the most important and damning question of all: What would you say you do here?