The Wheelchair Lift Grift

By my math, no more than 3% of all registered Coral Gables voters pay attention to city commission meetings. Although, I think that number is quite generous.

In person, Zoom, and Local Access audiences are responsible for maybe a couple hundred viewers, and as of writing, the recording of the May 21st commission meeting has 1.2K views on YouTube. Bear in mind that watching a mere 30 seconds of a seven-hour recording counts as a “view” on that platform. In addition, when you account for the fact that a large chunk of the total audience comprises employees, lobbyists, and non-residents, the true percentage of voters that actually watch commission meetings is probably well below 1% (and less than 10% of the city’s 7-10K “power voters”).

What a shame, as city commission meetings are clear windows to the tortured soul of Gables politics, especially now that the serially injudicious political monopoly known as KFC is large and in charge. Let’s face it, they don’t exactly excel at discretion, and so the incriminatory value of planting the three of them in a highly contentious environment for seven hours and recording every second of it is simply off the charts. Some of you don’t know what you’re missing.

Hence today’s featured clips, which were taken from the last two commission meetings and that stem from the ongoing Miracle Theatre wheelchair-lift controversy. It’s the story that has the city’s highly engaged 1% talking, and for good reason: it’s the most obvious example of KFC grift (or, at a minimum, cronyism) we’ve seen since the infamous salary increases.

As I’ve argued repeatedly throughout the year, KFC’s Achilles heel is not stupidity or laziness or even incompetence, it’s contempt; contempt for rules, norms, or anything remotely inconvenient. It’s an unfortunate vice that tends to boil to the surface when weak and ineffectual people acquire power and influence.

Too Rich for their blood

I’m presenting the clips in reverse chronological order, mainly because the star of the first clip, Rich Lara, who is running against Kirk and who understands that abiding by the Marquess of Queensberry rules of yesterday’s politics is a losing proposition, laid out the nuts and bolts of the issue rather nicely during the most recent commission meeting. Also, the second clip, which is from the earlier May meeting, is illustrative of something that surpasses mere grift; thus I chose to save it for last.

That said, I’ll provide some very cursory background so that you can dive right in with sufficient context. During the May 7th commission meeting, Kirk sponsored an item that would have had the city “reimburse” the Actor’s Playhouse at the Miracle Theatre approximately $41,000 that it hasn’t actually spent so that it could replace its current wheelchair lift with some sort of ramp. What kind of ramp? We don’t know, because this is all super-duper urgent and there’s no time for details. The current lift is still functional, by the way, it’s just allegedly too small to accommodate larger wheelchairs. However, per this little technicality called a lease, the tenant is responsible for the lift, not the city. Moreover, besides being a tad exorbitant—like upwards of 1000% exorbitant—the $41,000 price tag was derived from a single vendor quote. Notwithstanding any of this, Kirk was adamant that the city approve the before-the-fact “reimbursement” right there on the spot with no due diligence, no questions asked, just a whole lot of very suspicious urgency based on his belief that the children are our future or something like that. I’ll let Lara take if from here (the clip is a bit long, but worth watching in its entirety):

Let’s unpack a few things. First, you have to admire the almost comedic audacity of Dr. Castro admonishing Lara for “attacking a colleague” by way of thoughtful and respectful criticism. This coming from the same person who for the past year has not only condoned but actively enabled Mrs. Cruzchev to carry out her endless series of caustic anti-Lago diatribes that usually result in her having more to say during one agenda item than our $300K per-year city manager has had to say over the course of his entire tenure. Even more laughable was Ariel wobbling over and chastising the city clerk at the very end (finger wagging and all). You can’t make out the entire exchange, but you can hear Acting-Mayor Ariel mutter something like “you stopped the clock” just before walking away visibly angry.

Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führer.

Second, while it’s no secret that Dr. Castro is afflicted by what Christopher Hitchens used to call “verbal infelicity,” what she really suffers from is a rare medical condition called acute cranial vacancy. It’s not her tongue that’s the problem, it’s her brain. She advised Lara that he would probably “opiniate different” if he had all the facts, but then declined to share those facts because she didn’t want to put into the record facts that weren’t factual. And believe it or not, despite deliberately trying to butcher that sentence just now, I somehow made her moronic point more clearly than she.

Finally, by scolding Lara for not seeking an audience with “Barbara” (Barbara Stein), she only called attention to the curious fact that the “Queen” of Actor’s Playhouse could not be bothered to schlep the entire…two blocks…to city hall to make the request herself. Not only is this insulting—the directors of the museum and art cinema were somehow able to show up for their items—it’s damning. It reveals how shady these people are, and just how much KFC you can buy with a few free tickets, a little recognition, and the promise of a few dozen votes. “Need a little taxpayer dinero, Babs? Consider it done. What’s that? Do you need to come before the commission? Oh, sweetheart, don’t be silly, you just did…We are the commission. By the way, thanks for the tickets…and the drinks.”

The KFC Kollective

Rich Lara announced his candidacy a few months ago. He’s had ample opportunity to harangue KFC for their debauchery since, yet he’s been as quiet as a church mouse until now. One presumes he chose to pounce on this item for a reason, and if you think that reason is because Lara is a longtime Lago ally recruited to harass and potentially oust Kirk (there are more logical choices than Lara for that), then you may be falling for KFC’s propaganda—or as I like to call it, propagan-duh. Here’s that Lago ally less than a year ago:

Anyone familiar with the Gables’ various cliques knows that Lara and Lago don’t exactly swim in the same circles. Lara was always a Kirk man, one of many who, now disillusioned, barely recognizes his old friend these days. In fact, his erstwhile chumminess with Kirk is the main reason I have yet to fully climb aboard the Lara bandwagon, although performances like the one in the clip above are bound to have me come around.

That’s because it tells me Lara gets it. I think he sees that this Miracle Theatre fiasco is more than just carelessness, or cronyism, or even grift. I think he understands that even if one assumes the absolute worst, i.e., that certain members of KFC were planning on taking a piece off the top of the $41,000 after it made its way to the theatre’s vendor, that there’s still something else wrong here. Something deeper. Something more fundamental.

That something is the fact that KFC is nothing less than a collective. Not an all for one and one for all collective, but a kind of hive mind that sees Ariel playing the role of queen bee. It’s no coincidence that Dr. Castro goes from being incapable of linking a subject to a verb to suddenly spouting fully composed paragraphs that sound an awful lot like Ariel whenever she glances at her tablet. What she’s reading on that tablet are not just prepared remarks, nor are they merely Ariel’s words. They are Ariel’s thoughts, through and through.

It’s no coincidence that the few times KFC fails to vote as a bloc on anything of substance is when they are caught off guard—like when Anderson and Lago surprise them with an impromptu garbage fee reduction, or when they run into unexpectedly effective resistance that the only semi-intelligent one among them (Ariel) recognizes is effective. To be sure, catch KFC flat-footed and you’ll see just how quickly hierarchical indicators emerge.

Otherwise, Dr. Castro is essentially Ariel’s 1:1 proxy, and Kirk is embarrassingly deferential, perhaps even subservient, to Ariel. In other words, we didn’t elect Commissioner Fernandez. We elected Commissioner(s) Fernandez.

Which brings me to our second and final clip, taken from the May 7th commission meeting, during which Kirk introduced the wheelchair lift item. The full discussion is quite long, so I took the liberty of starting somewhat midstream. However, if you are interested in the entire thing, you can find it here.

Watch this one carefully. Notice how Kirk clearly starts off in default KFC mode, i.e., “3>2 and there is nothing you can do about it.” Notice how rude, smug, and dismissive he is to Anderson early on when he thinks his friends are going to help ram his item through like they normally do. Notice how quickly his demeanor changes (he is absolutely seething and beet red toward the end) once he realizes Ariel is not with him. Notice the spontaneous coordination and damage control taking place between Ariel and Kirk. Notice all the whispering and arm touching (possibly some footsie) as both commissioners violate Sunshine Law and resort to communicating off the record right there on the dais (I emphasized those key moments in the video for your convenience, see the 5:37 and 5:58 marks in particular). Finally, notice how it is Ariel who, despite having to mollify a visibly irritated Kirk, ultimately decides how the issue will be decided.

Indeed, it all points to something that many residents are beginning to understand: KFC is not an alliance, it’s a barely functioning force multiplier for Ariel Fernandez.

People within Kirk’s orbit say he’s convinced he’ll be mayor someday, and that he sees his role as a potential and powerful swing vote as the shortest path to the seat at the middle of the dais. If that’s the case, someone should tell him that it’s not the mayor’s seat he needs to worry about, but the one he currently sits in, the one he merely keeps warm for the guy to his immediate right.