Sins of Commission: 12-12-23 (Part 2)

Should public input be forgot, and never brought to mind?

The things that matter

Having dealt with the COLA in part one, we can now turn to another eventful item from the December 12 meeting, H-5, which pertains to annexation and not…Fritz and Franz. Sorry to disappoint you.

I know what many of you are thinking: Aesop, how is it you can obsess over mere trivialities like the city’s balance sheet or jurisdictional expansion while the very fate of our community’s favorite beirhaus hangs in the balance?

Well, dear reader, all I can say is that the universe is a beautiful and intricate mystery, and that the answer to some of life’s deepest questions lie far beyond the reach of the mortal mind and that these questions, ones such as “where will I find good Bratwurst?” or “but what if I want to drink beer from a boot?” should therefore be left to the Gods.

One of these images depicts something upon which the future of our city depends, the other is just a little illustration of how our city spends hundreds of millions of dollars.

In all seriousness, I love Fritz and Franz, but this entire ordeal has all the characteristics of a manufactured crisis, albeit one that is animated more by sentiment than strategy. We tend to get a tad worked up when it comes to our cherished local businesses, as evidenced by our recent experience with Burger Bob’s, Le Parc, and even Ortanique—all of whom, as a matter of empirical fact, benefited from longstanding sweetheart deals with the city…until they didn’t. I liked them all and miss two of them dearly, but as one famous political commentator is fond of saying, “facts don’t care about your feelings.”

In any event, my hope with Fritz and Franz is that we choose a more objective path than we have in the past and conduct an honest analysis of the facts and course of dealings. In other words, we should do everything in our power to avoid Burger Bob-ifying the issue.

Referendums for me—but not for thee

Back to H-5, which was listed in the agenda as an “annexation update presenting options for Coral Gables resident participation.” An update is essentially all it was shaping up to be—the functional equivalent of a discussion item in which the commission was presented with the pros and cons of various methods of gathering resident input on annexation—until the very last moment, when the commission went from agreeing to revisit the issue in January to suddenly and contentiously voting 4-1 to put the question of Little Gables annexation on the August 2024 ballot.

The impetus behind the impromptu vote was Lago’s suggestion that the city place additional questions on the August ballot, i.e. November elections, commission salary increases, and restrictions on tapping into city reserves. Lago reasoned (and Anderson agreed) that if the city is going to incur the roughly $18,000 expense of a ballot referendum, it should take full advantage of the occasion and allow the residents to take a crack at issues that were essentially 2023’s greatest hits.

Needless to say, this did not go over too well with Ariel, Kirk, and Dr. Castro—the peoples’ champions. They seemed flustered by it, even agitated, to the point where poor Ariel forgot he had enough votes to shut Lago down and reflexively blurted out an additional ballot question of his own. “And I would add whether members of the commission should be full time and not have outside employment,” he said.

Ah yes, Ariel, because the people of Coral Gables are absolutely clamoring for full-time politicians who otherwise can’t find gainful employment. Indeed, we have a fever, and the only prescription is more Ariels!!!

Fortunately for his comrades, Kirk realized what was happening and put the kibosh on the idea. After initially grumbling a bit of nonsense about the charter review committee, he made himself dictator perpetuo and forced a series of votes before his colleagues could finish their remarks.

In the end, Lago’s additional questions were voted down 3-2, while the commission voted to put annexation (and annexation alone) on the August ballot. No soup for the residents.

Roll the tape

Just in case the abject hypocrisy of your favorite commissioners has somehow eluded you, here is Ariel last August telling us that the “best way” to resolve the elections question was to...wait for it…put it on the ballot:

And here is Kirk just three weeks later citing a lack of public input and the commission’s “rush to action” as his reason for voting against November elections:

You know, the last time I checked, voting no was just as much an action as voting yes. So you would think that Kirk would have loved the opportunity to rectify the previous “rush to action.” You would think that he would have jumped at the chance to have the crème de la crème of public input—a direct vote—on the matter. You would think that he would have been, at the very least, willing to entertain the notion of letting the public have the final word, right?

Wrong, because none of this ever had anything to do with principles, or the will of the people, or any of that nonsense. If it had, we would not have witnessed just a few short weeks ago Kirk & Co. conduct themselves like this:

It is difficult to overstate just how tacky and embarrassing and hypocritical these people are. The self-satisfied giggles, the noticeably flirty glances between at least two of them, the lack of any attempt to explain their many whiplash-inducing contradictions—this stuff does not exactly scream residents first. And while I could not care less about their contempt for Lago and Anderson, I am deeply offended at their naked contempt for the vast majority of Coral Gables residents.

Ariel may be famous for his ostrich policy of not answering resident emails other than those sent by his VIPs, but do not kid yourself, no amount of willful ignorance can completely block out the sentiments of 7 out of every 10 residents, which is more or less how lopsided the preference distribution is when it comes to each of Lago’s proposed ballot questions. Ariel knows what you want, he just doesn’t care.

Ariel’s patented method of sorting resident emails.

Kirk’s Kurrency

Among the more galling things about that last clip was how Kirk “I’m the Captain Now” Menendez tried to take over the meeting and call votes as if he was the new sheriff in town. Someone needs to tell him that eau de pure power is not his fragrance, that scowling and cocky finger waving and prickly sarcasm are not a good look on him, and that what little charisma he possesses instantly evaporates when not contained within the limits of a cheesy pun.

Someone should also tell him that his performance at December’s meeting constituted exceptionally strong evidence in support of something that many well-informed people have been saying for months. That rather than having anything to do with public input, the real reason Kirk was so adamant back in August on delaying the elections item until October was because he wanted to force the budget vote to come first (in September), that way he could use his potential “yes” vote on the elections to try to coerce Lago and Anderson into accepting the commission salary increases that he and his friends sneaked into the budget. In other words, Kirk’s vote on the elections was for sale and he wanted Lago and Anderson to not only pay, but pay upfront:

Um, staff, I want to make sure this comes back no earlier than October, which comes after September. If you look at the calendar and it says the current month is September, definitely don’t bring the item back. Wait for the next month, which is October. It is the one that starts with an “O.” I’m serious about this because I need time to *checks notes* seek resident input. What kind of input? I don’t know. Who cares? Whatever. You people figure that out. Just make sure this does not come back until October. Ok? Not September. Ok-toh-ber.

Pyrrhic victories

Ariel, Kirk, and Dr. Castro need to be very careful. They are in the midst of power-tripping their way into an electoral hole too deep to climb out of. Yeah, I know I criticized the newbies for their inability to count to three in the early days, but ever since Kirk taught them how, it is as if counting to three has become the only thing they know how to do. They do not seem to realize that this whole outsiders-speaking-truth-to-power routine of theirs will not play very well now that they are the ones with the power, and that the utter contempt with which they view most of the city’s residents has not gone unnoticed.

In no universe does telling the majority of the electorate that they are too stupid to vote constitute a base-expanding move, and I have yet to meet a resident who has said “you know, I was really on the fence with these new commissioners, but once they unilaterally gave themselves a huge pay increase mere months into the job…well, hot damn, if they didn’t win me over right then and there.”

Kirk is up for reelection in April 2025, which on a political time scale might as well be tomorrow. Regardless of whether Ariel’s camp tries to protect or replace him, it is going to be an uphill battle either way. Kirk has exposed himself on both flanks and will, I predict, have a most unpleasant 2024. Notwithstanding the heavy artillery that will begin firing in his direction once campaign season begins, the kind of blunders that Kirk and his allies have thus far made have an awfully long half-life; they will haunt each of them through election day. All of this makes Kirk’s seat ripe not only for an anti-Kirk, but an anti-Ariel/Dr. Castro.

Ultimately, the commission’s new power-throuple is going to have to come to terms with the fact that “haha 3>2” is not a strategy, and that unless they do something with their three votes that actually benefits the city and a majority of its residents, they are never going to make the gains they so desperately need to hold on to their precarious majority, much less their seats on the commission.

Anyway, that’s all I have for now. May each of you be blessed with a healthy and happy new year!