Good Cop, Bad Manager

It’s been over two weeks since my last post, which has led some of you to reach out to check if I’m still around. Well, as Mark Twain once said, the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Apologies to those disappointed by this unhappy news.

The thing is, I’ve been especially busy. You see, unlike certain elected officials, I have this thing called a “career,” and writing on Substack isn’t it. This newsletter, Gables politics, dunking on the endless stream of cringe that is KFC…it’s all a pastime for me. I know some of you have a hard time believing that. You can’t imagine how anyone would be willing to do all this work as a hobby, but that’s mostly because you’ve grown accustomed to political bloggers who are either setting themselves up to run for office or who have simply failed their way into having to shill for vodka and cigarette money.

What’s more, some of you seem to view this newsletter’s hard anti-KFC slant as evidence of mercenariness. To that, all I can say is thank goodness I’m just an anonymous writer on Substack and not a New York Times columnist circa 1941, or else I’d have to pump out the occasional pro-Hitler piece just to prove I’m not a spin doctor for “the establishment.” I’d have to start sentences with insincere and ignoble concessions like “To be fair to the Third Reich…” or “But what critics of genocide fail to recognize is…” just to falsely signal that I’m fair and balanced.

Anyway, my point is that I have only been able to nibble at Gables politics over the past couple of weeks, and so it seems I have some developments to catch up on. There was the perfectly predictable denouement of the Miracle Theatre wheelchair grift saga, a new wave of inspector general idiocy, and an approved collective-bargaining agreement that gives away the farm to the police union, just to name the headliners. Fortunately, we have a relatively lengthy break until the next commission meeting (July 9), so if I can summon some much-needed discipline, I just might be able to write a short post on some of these before the meeting.

But for today, I will share a few thoughts regarding the juiciest of all current events, albeit one that is almost guaranteed to disappear into the blackhole of bullshit in which all of KFC’s manufactured scandals end up: the alleged “assault” of the city manager by Mayor Lago.

The “incident”

Here is the CliffsNotes version of the story as told by KFC’s communication apparatuses: On June 4th, Lago, Rojas and assistant city manager Parjus were having a meeting in the mayor’s office. At some point, the conversation got so heated that Lago jumped out of his chair, took his jacket off, rolled up his sleeves, assumed a fighting stance, and challenged Rojas to a fight. Rojas then left the meeting and immediately filed a police report as a result of this “incident.” The end.

Lest you think I soft-pedaled that account in order to leave out the part that merited a police report, or the part where the “assault” happened (Elaine de Valle used the captioned word “assault” in her piece’s title despite that word not appearing anywhere in the post or any party’s official statement), below is the full description of the incident from Gables Joe Carollo’s Insider. See if you can get through the dime-novel, once-upon-a-time setup without rolling your eyes (emphasis mine):

During a quiet, mostly uneventful Wednesday in Coral Gables, as many children were finalizing the school year and others were engaged in their mundane routines, residents were jolted by unsettling news. Various publications reported a police investigation into a possible incident between Mayor Vince Lago and newly appointed City Manager Amos Rojas at City Hall. According to several undisclosed and unnamed sources, the Mayor allegedly had a heated argument with the Manager, culminating in Lago removing his jacket and challenging Rojas to a physical fight. At present, these descriptions remain rumors, as no official statement has been released from any party detailing the events. Members of the administration and commission were tight-lipped due to the ongoing investigation.

I like how Baños mentioned “several undisclosed and unnamed sources” as if we didn’t know there was only one witness in the room, Parjus. Perhaps he was referring to the always credible Dr. Castro, who despite having not witnessed anything, was relied upon for background in the Miami Herald’s coverage as though A) she was there, and B) can be trusted. That’s like turning to Donald Trump for information about an incident he didn’t witness involving Joe Biden. That’s some top-notch journalism there, Miami Herald.

Of course, Lago flatly denies this version of events. Here is his account as I understand it: Lago and Rojas were in the midst of a heated discussion that led to both men raising their voices and talking over each other. Eventually, Rojas rose from his chair and stood over Lago’s desk. Lago immediately stood up to be at eye level and took his jacket off because, as he claims, he was beginning to sweat. As he took his jacket off, Rojas sarcastically said, “What are you going to do, hit me?” To which Lago responded “That’s exactly what you would like me to do, isn’t it?” The meeting then ended abruptly as Rojas walked out of the mayor’s office. No fisticuffs, no threats, nothing but loud voices and a cast-off sports coat.

If a scandal occurs in a forest…

You have to feel sorry for team KFC. All these terrible things keep happening to them and yet, wouldn’t you believe it, they’re never quite able to prove it. Remember all those threats they kept receiving but couldn’t provide evidence of, not even an email, as if those threats were sent on that self-destructing paper you see in all those Mission Impossible movies? Remember the broken windshields? The cars following them to city hall? The spy drones that kept buzzing around Dr. Castro’s 13th-floor balcony attached to her 8th-floor apartment? You’d think in a world where every email, text, and social media post is permanent; where everyone has a camera in their pocket; where just about every inch of every city is covered by a surveillance camera; where nearly every other house has a ring camera for a doorbell…you’d think that at least one example of the thuggery and interminable harassment that KFC is forced to heroically endure would have been documented by now.

But that’s the thing about KFC’s perpetual victimization, isn’t it? It’s always the proverbial tree falling in the forest when no one is around to hear it. It’s always something you have to take their word for—because when have they ever lied to you? It’s always depicted via rumor and innuendo. It’s always speculation and unnamed sources. Hell, even Baños, who is somehow out of his depth despite only engaging in journalism as a form of cosplay, is letting himself say the quiet part out loud by using the word “narrative” whenever he posts about a Lago scandal. Psst, you’re not supposed to call it that, Javi.

And so mote it be with the current “incident.” We have a city manager who we were told we were lucky to have because he was a retired federal marshal, one tough cop who spent his entire career dealing with hardened criminals, a take-no-prisoners badass who was the only man for the job because of his ability to remain unfazed by threats and intimidation…scurry off to the police department to file a report because the mayor raised his voice? Oh, and he took his jacket off. We can’t forget the jacket.

Do you people actually believe this nonsense? Do you take any part of it seriously? How about after you consider the fact that word of this super-confidential-because-there’s-an-active-investigation police report was leaked to the press almost as soon as it was filed? I mean, how else do you think the Miami Herald, Political Cortadito, and Joe Carollo’s Insider were able to publish their pieces less than 24 hours after the alleged incident?

Oh, and of course no KFC hit job is complete without the obligatory billboard truck circling city hall. Here is the one that was making the rounds downtown during the last commission meeting:

But remember, it’s Lago, not KFC, who’s dragging our city’s name through the mud.

Letting sleeping dogs lie

I write a lot about KFC’s liabilities, mainly because they have so many of them: stupidity, greed, contempt, etc. But the one that comes to mind today especially is pathological obviousness, or to put it a different way, their incurable incapacity for subtlety.

Everything they do has to be big, bold, and in your face. Their grandstanding is always a little too grand, their leaks a little too leaky, their coordination a little too coordinated.

Need to violate sunshine laws so you can hatch a plan to bring in a new and ridiculously unqualified city manager? No problem. But why surreptitiously meet in the back of a hole-in-the-wall restaurant like normal crooked politicians when you can go full KFC and take a three day trip to Tallahassee with no city liaison. Go big or go home, people!

Need to soften the ground for a mayoral recall that you are not supposed to have anything to do with and that is predicated on accusations of corruption? No problem, just have Kirk proclaim that the city is a “cesspool of corruption” out of nowhere and with no explanation. You need to be very obvious about these things, you see, because the residents are dense.

Got caught with your pants down and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears while trying to funnel $41,000 to the Miracle Theatre for no good reason and with zero scrutiny? Well then check your watch, folks, because that means it’s time for your regularly scheduled KFC narrative change.

These people are so utterly predictable. They’re predictable because they’re obvious. They’re obvious because they’re stupid.

And there is almost nothing stupider than tapping the guy you made out to be Dirty Harry, Hercule Poirot, and Robocop all rolled into one to play your damsel in distress in what is probably KFC’s most unbelievable farce to date.

It was stupid because with the exception of people like Rip Holmes, everyone recognizes that Rojas is neither qualified nor deserving of his new position. He’s not exactly the peoples’ choice, to say the least. Rojas himself knows that, which is why he keeps telling people in city hall that he’s out the door next April.

You’re probably right about that, chief.

The best thing KFC could have done was to hide Rojas and his $300K salary (the same salary they thought was such an insult when it went to Rojas’ infinitely more qualified predecessor) in a dark corner of city hall and hope that we’d all forget about him by the time the next election rolls around. Instead, they made him the point man in one of the most preposterous stunts they’ve ever pulled.

Which means now we get to notice things. We get to notice how often Rojas comes to city hall dressed like he is about to go on a fishing trip to Islamorada. How he bolts for the door at 3 p.m. sharp almost every work day. How the following is a disturbingly complete catalog of his most substantial contributions to city commission meetings after almost four months on the job:

• Uh huh

• Yes

• No

• I don’t know

• I’ll have to get back to you on that

• I’m going to ask [insert staff member’s name] to come up and address that

We get to talk about how if he does leave next year, the top four candidates for a like-kind-and-quality successor are as follows:

And we get to ask, once again, why a highly respected and well-liked city manager had to be effectively frog marched out of city hall like he was a convicted felon to make way for an inexperienced retired cop whose approach to his new job can best be described as wasting away in Margaritaville.

Yesterday Amos Rojas was not much more than an empty suit passing through the Gables to collect a cool $300K before heading back to his cabin in the mountains, all so that Ariel, mainly, could run roughshod throughout city hall with no resistance for a year. Today he is a full-fledged political operative, a card-carrying member of team KFC.

Very well. Game on.