Fritz and Franz Ferdinand (Part 1)

Tread not upon this house of beer, lest it vanquish thy career.

The June 1914 assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is widely credited as being the event that triggered World War I. It is also a vivid and intriguing example of cause-and-effect asymmetry. World War I was one of the most devastating and consequential events of the 20th century, and so the idea that it was precipitated by the death of a relatively unimportant and unpopular Archduke all the way in Sarajevo, of all places, carries with it a sort of morbid amusement.

Curiously enough, we appear to have an untouchable Franz of our own right here in Coral Gables, a Fritz and Franz, to be exact, one that in the eyes of many has become a target itself. What began as a mere lease dispute between the city and an aging beirhaus has somehow escalated into an almost existential conflict, one that made the evening news, one that led to one of the most heated contretemps on the dais to date, and one that may well result in yet another attempt to fire the city manager.

Never let a non-crisis go to waste

Ever since being caught asleep at the wheel, Ariel has been scrambling to place himself at the forefront of the Fritz and Franz battle lines. He knows that thanks to the infamous email exchange with the manager, the one featured in my last post, the one where he berated the manager for withholding information that had already been in the commission’s possession for months, people are starting to catch on to the fact that he might be just a touch incompetent. Ariel got caught with his hand in the stupid jar and now finds himself having to save face.

Enter item F-5 from the last commission meeting, a discussion regarding the Fritz and Franz lease renewal. It is a long and jumbled mess that is difficult to clip without coming across as having been deceptively cherry picked (I have nonetheless done my best and have provided a link to the entire session here for complete context). Suffice it to say, while it had its moments, one in particular was clearly defining, a moment that is perhaps tantamount to the German army crossing into Liège:

There is so much to unpack here. Let’s start at the beginning, where Ariel uncomfortably admits that he does not know squat about the “terms.” In fact, he actually says, out loud, “I honestly have not reviewed the terms that were presented.” Ah, yes. Good stuff. Laziness is definitely a quality you want to see in your chief advocate. Your honor, honestly, I haven’t even looked at the contract at the center of this contract dispute, but, you know, in the grand scheme of things, my dude, like does it really matter?

According to Ariel, his sticking point is “the process,” and by that he means the fact that the city invited Fritz and Franz to submit a lease-renewal proposal on August 3rd only to hastily pull the rug out from underneath the negotiations by issuing a notice of nonrenewal the next day two months later, on September 27th. I am not kidding. On August 3rd, and despite having no obligation to do so, the city gave Fritz and Franz the opportunity to avoid an RFP process by submitting a renewal proposal—a proposal that would have to include sufficient monies to remedy various maintenance issues that commercial leases require tenants to take care of. Fritz and Franz immediately responded by telling the city’s asset manager that no proposal would be forthcoming. Nonetheless, after waiting 55 days for Fritz and Franz to submit a proposal that the city already knew would never come, the city issued the notice of nonrenewal that it was legally required to submit no later than the following month to avoid automatic renewal at a below market rate. Strictly speaking, the 55 days were a courtesy extended to Fritz and Franz, and Ariel is apparently upset that the city extended the courtesy at all, seemingly arguing that it would have been better to issue the notice of nonrenewal back in August. How Fritz and Franz was prejudiced by being given a chance to square its debts with the city and thus avoid having to bid for its own space is anyone’s guess.

Ariel does not have a leg to stand on here. He is just flailing and grasping for a reason to be upset with the city. I urge you to listen closely to the following clip from earlier in the discussion, especially toward the end when the manager points out how the city was damned if it did and damned if it didn’t, and I invite you to notice how, contra the pathologically lying Ariel in the first clip, the manager never utters the ridiculously fanciful claim that he is willing to defy the commission. In fact, he says the opposite:

I live for the applause, applause, applause.

I actually feel sorry for all those Fritz and Franz supporters who devoted their entire day to that meeting. They seem like nice people. I have come to automatically expect things to get nasty and unruly whenever I see commission chambers packed with a bunch of people wearing matching t-shirts. These folks were lovely, though. For the most part, they were polite, charming, and sincere (the only bitter and spiteful note on the public side came from Mrs. You Know Who). It was nice to see organized support and civility coexist for a change.

Still, they got taken for a ride. Ariel commandeered their cause and used it as a vehicle for political gain. Had Ariel any genuine interest in the business or its supporters, he would have come prepared with something slightly better than but the process. Then again, it is difficult to get worked up about something when you have only read the CliffsNotes.

Perhaps if Fritz and Franz were located a touch closer to Ariel’s home, within the range of his bedazzled golf cart like Le Parc, they could have catered to Ariel regularly and become one of his preferred eateries (they used to treat him like royalty at Le Parc) and thus merited a more diligent defense from his end. If Fritz and Franz survives, it will be because of Harald Neuweg and all those nice people in the matching t-shirts, not Ariel.

In reality, F-5 was all about the city manager, about reestablishing a pretext for his dismissal. Watch that first video again and notice how Ariel’s delivery completely changes once he begins his assault on the manager. He goes from clumsy and hesitant when complaining about “the process” to fluid and rehearsed when he pivots to his attack. He has this funny way of adopting a very distinct and consistent Mr. Gorbachav, tear down this wall cadence, except in Ariel’s case, it is more like Mrs. Cruzchev, tear down this person! Here is a very short section from the first video demonstrating what I mean:

Oy vey, I’ve seen murders less premeditated than this. But notice how he was really feeling it there? See how the juices were flowing? Notice how he scanned the audience and how he briefly paused for applause after his “we are your bosses” line, and how after the applause never came, he was forced to pull out all the stops and invoke The Residents™? That always does the trick. Of course, he had to gently and insincerely admonish the crowd for clapping despite spending the last minute practically begging them to do just that. Someone was ready for his close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Grandstabbing

Some politicians have an inherent gift for grandstanding and a weird ability to wax poetic about virtually anything with apparent sincerity. Good grandstanding requires, at least while in the moment, an ability to drink one’s own KoolAid. It’s often built around something positive, even if blown out of proportion—values, accomplishments, initiatives. The State of the Union Address is probably the best example of the art in its highest form.

Ariel doesn’t have this talent. He is not particularly good at run-of-the-mill grandstanding mainly because he is not great at concealing his insincerity. His attempts at positivity almost always come across as exceptionally hokey. What Ariel needs is that little extra something that is unmistakably real and meaningful to him. He needs genuine motivation. He needs a victim.

Hence Ariel’s real talent, something I call Grandstabbing—a hybrid of grandstanding and backstabbing. It stems from his uncontrollable impulse to harm anyone that threatens to diminish his status. Destroying perceived enemies is the one thing that truly animates Ariel, and so it is the only thing he does with pure sincerity. Peace, love, and happiness? Those things don’t really resonate with him. But going after someone else’s livelihood with pure loathing and vengeance? That will get Ariel up on his high horse in an instant. It is why the only context in which he is able to capture that special energy and achieve those soaring tones is when he is railing against someone, going after someone’s job, or assassinating someone’s character.

Ariel couldn’t care less about Fritz and Franz. It is nothing more to him than a soapbox, a platform for more grandstabbing, and an opportunity to take one final shot at the city manager. It is nothing more to him than an excuse to go to war.

Still to come in part 2: more on Fritz and Franz, more embarrassing emails, more skullduggery, and an uneasy feeling as we approach the Ides of March.