A Return to Lunacy

A study in flipping, flopping, and filching.

You might be wondering why I went with such a dreary title. After all, we just secured an immensely important electoral victory, and in decisive fashion no less. We have, as many have said, taken our city back!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated. After two years of perpetual dysfunction, having effective control of the commission back in the hands of decent and competent people is cause for celebration. I’d even go as far as to characterize last month’s elections as an act of deliverance as much as an exercise in democracy.

So, no, I'm not trying to be dreary—just sober. Because while we've reclaimed the commission's rudder, we're still sailing with two anchors weighing us down: Ariel and Dr. Castro, aka FC, aka the "Leftovers" of KFC. We may be able to move forward on policy and legislation, but the toxic dynamics, personal vendettas, and performative outrage that have defined our local politics will remain firmly entrenched as long as those two remain on the dais.

In fact, stripping the K from KFC is apt to prove as personally unburdening as it is politically inhibiting for the Leftovers. As deceitful, duplicitous, and unprincipled as he was, Kirk could never quite scandalize with the same speed and agility as his younger colleagues. It's a lot to ask of a Baby Boomer with even a vestigial sense of institutional memory to keep pace with two nihilistic Millennials for whom destruction is not merely a means but an end in itself, and for whom treachery is a first principle.

Case in point: Dr. Castro's latest and most audacious attempt to spin up a fake scandal, one that simultaneously casts her as both a delicate flower and a #StrongEmpoweredWoman, crocodile tears and all. I'm referring, of course, to her most recent social media posts, which achieve a level of cringe so profound that they make her trademark It's wine o'clock somewhere Instagram stories look dignified by comparison. She even drags her child into it like some kind of political prop (please don't ever let me hear you say "leave my family out of politics," Doc).

Anyway, I may have to dedicate an entire post to this spectacle at some point, but for now I’ll pivot away from this topic with a legitimately difficult exit question: which one of the following performances comes across as more authentic? I, for one, can’t decide:

But as cringe-worthy Dr. Castro’s melodrama is, the most brazen and embarrassing post-election stunt so far is undoubtedly Ariel's infamous e-blast, the pivot heard ‘round the world. Fair warning: those with a low tolerance for unadulterated bullshit should proceed with caution.

The Road to Dam-ass-kiss

Behold, the most shameless attempt to not only pander but rewrite (or rather erase) history you'll ever witness:

First of all, I haven’t seen anything that says “I have no principles and will literally do whatever it takes to survive” quite so explicitly since that scene from The Mummy where Beni meets Imhotep:

Isn’t it amazing how suddenly finding himself in the minority helped Ariel discover the spirit of cooperation and bipartisanship? Then again, maybe Ariel's multi-year crusade of opposing everything Lago and Anderson supported was actually some kind of bizarre reverse-psychology bonding strategy. Rather like wooing a crush not by merely pretending you're not that interested, but by pretending you violently despise them, hate everything they stand for, and want to destroy their lives in every meaningful way.

You also have to love the unintentional honesty in the line: “Now that the election is over, it is time for us to work together on behalf of you, our residents, and put politics aside.” I’m glad Ariel finally admitted that, in his view, working on behalf of residents is something one does only in the absence of more important tasks, like playing politics and electioneering. The thick veneer of ass-kissery aside, Ariel is finally being transparent about just how low the people of Coral Gables rank on his list of priorities.

But let's press on, because I'm morbidly curious to see which policies our self-proclaimed People's Champion has suddenly 'discovered':

Alright, now I'm definitely confused. Wasn't it Ariel who insisted time and again that the raises were A) fully supported by The Residents™, B) eminently reasonable given the long and hard hours elected officials have to work, and C) necessary to attract better candidates for public office because, obviously, the idea of people being attracted to public service because it's a lucrative gig is a good thing?

Wait, seriously? Weren't we told just months ago that despite record-setting revenues from soaring property values, any tax reduction would trigger the apocalypse? Didn't Ariel warn that a mere 1% cut would decimate city services? Weren't the potential savings so minuscule—"less than the cost of a cup of coffee!"—as to be not just worthless, but insulting to residents? Won’t, God forbid, Agave and “out of town developers” benefit the most from a tax cut? Isn’t that a kickback? Didn't Ariel vehemently oppose even the most modest reductions Lago and Anderson proposed two years in a row?

But what about electoral “quality over quantity”? I thought small off-cycle elections were crucial to ensuring that local issues don’t get lost in all the noise? Didn’t Ariel pull forward his precious charter review committee two full years precisely so that it could adjudicate such monumental questions? And I thought we couldn’t move forward with referendums on charter amendments unless the almighty charter review committee gave the commission its blessing (a committee that he recomposed in order to stack it with proxies like Tom Wells)?

Then again, I see a little glimpse of the real Ariel in this one. Notice how he wants to “place an item” on the ballot of the “next scheduled election,” which is an oddly circuitous route for someone claiming to have received crystal-clear resident input. Each of the winning candidates ran on moving elections to November, full stop. The residents have already spoken. So why not simply move the elections by ordinance and be done with it?

The answer: because by placing the question on the ballot during the next scheduled election, which isn’t until August of 2026, Ariel can kick the can down the road long enough to ensure that his election remains in April 2027. In other words, Ariel neither needs nor wants further resident input. He’s merely trying to run out the clock out of sheer self-preservation.

Wait, what? No way. This can't be real. I refuse to believe the man who shoved not one, but two city managers down our throats is now calling for a national search and 4/5 vote to hire and fire a city manager.

This is the same guy who parachuted in Amos Rojas, a retired cop with zero municipal experience who was so uninterested in public service that he was literally sitting in a rocking chair and sipping wine somewhere in North Carolina mere days before taking the job. This is the guy who, mere months ago, insisted that three votes were not just sufficient, but the only votes that mattered. Not only did Ariel reject the idea of a fourth vote, he rejected the idea of a fourth opinion, actively scorning the idea that Lago and Anderson should even be allowed to meet with potential hires.

And now? Now that he can't unilaterally dictate terms, Ariel has magically transformed into a champion of rigorous hiring processes and supermajority consensus. Oh yeah, and the inspector general he once ridiculed? I guess it’s no longer too high a price to pay for public accountability.

Of course, nothing could be more quintessentially Ariel than this ending, his pièce de résistance:

You got that, folks? Ariel is now "inviting" his colleagues to join him in co-sponsoring an agenda that they campaigned and won on and that he did everything in his power to block for two long years, which is a lot like being invited as a guest into your home by a squatter who moved in while you were away on vacation.

I have to say, while I've never visited the parallel universe in which Ariel lives, I have a feeling it looks remarkably like our own, only with a few important moral distinctions. For instance, in the Arielverse, I can only assume Hitler didn’t commit suicide in a bunker as the allies rolled into Berlin, but rather won the Nobel Peace Prize after issuing a short apology. I imagine Charles Manson didn’t languish in prison, but became a celebrated psychologist after the murder of Sharon Tate. And Bernie Madoff? He’s probably the current Treasury Secretary.

Because only in such a parallel universe could Ariel’s bizarre behavior register as anything other than what it truly is: a shameless, insulting, contemptuous, and embarrassing act of political desperation.

For years, Ariel had built an entire political persona around being the sole interpreter of resident desires. His social media, Gables Insider “reportage”, and campaign rhetoric all proclaimed that he, and he alone, truly understood what Coral Gables residents wanted.

Yet now we're expected to believe he somehow missed the overwhelming, crystal-clear consensus on these critical issues? That despite constantly claiming to be in lockstep with residents, he was completely oblivious to their actual preferences? How is it possible that the so-called Resident Whisperer somehow managed to be the only person in Coral Gables who couldn't hear what residents had been shouting from the rooftops?

It's simple, really. Either Ariel deliberately ignored residents' wishes for two years, or he was so politically tone-deaf that he couldn't hear the groundswell of public sentiment right in front of him. Pick your poison.

Ariel isn't trying to collaborate—he's trying to appropriate. He's trying to position himself as the champion of policies his adversaries championed; policies he spent two years ruthlessly obstructing. And for that he should be deeply ashamed of himself.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with Ariel voting yes on these items. Better late than never. But the idea that he should be allowed to co-sponsor these items, much less take the lead, is profoundly insulting—not only to his colleagues, but to every resident in this city. Sponsorship of legislation is more than a procedural formality or mere symbolism. It’s a privilege earned by virtue of sustained advocacy and principled commitment to specific policy objectives. It acknowledges the hard work of making a case to the public and winning their support; hard work that Ariel not only declined to do, but actively undermined at every turn.

As I said earlier, last month's election was restorative on multiple levels, and we should rejoice at the prospect of the city being run competently and professionally once again. We should celebrate the return to operational normalcy.

But make no mistake, these election results will also allow Ariel to return to his most natural role, the role of the agitator who speaks "truth to power" precisely because he does not wield real power himself. Unburdened by the inconvenience of actual governance, he can now focus entirely on what he was truly built for: practicing the dark arts of chaos, personal destruction, and weaponized outrage. For Ariel and his sidekick Dr. Castro, losing control of the commission means we can expect nothing less than a return to lunacy.

P.S. Here's Ariel in peak form, hammering his colleagues for wanting to lower the millage rate and taunting Lago about his impending political demise. It was simply too delicious to leave out: