My Bloody Valentine (Part 1)

Sometimes truth is more repulsive than fiction.

Note: This is the first half of what was originally one post. It was just dreadfully long, so I split it in half. I’ll post part 2 later this week. Enjoy.

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Because the city manager’s cruel and degrading dismissal took place not during the Ides of March but on the eve of Saint Valentine’s Day—and by a small band of incompetents led by an individual with sociopathic tendencies, no less—it occurred to me that a theme switch was in order. The infamous Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre naturally came to mind first, but after reading the following at the very top of the Wikipedia entry for the 1981 film, My Bloody Valentine, it felt as though the decision was made for me: “My Bloody Valentine is a 1981 Canadian slasher film…the plot tells about a group of young adults who decide to throw a Valentine's Day party, only to incur the vengeful wrath of a maniac in mining gear who begins a killing spree…the film has developed a large cult following” [emphasis mine].

Oh, how the parallels abound.

Truth be told, a campy horror film is far from a perfect fit, because while the firing of the manager was depraved, it was also a comedy of errors, a stunning and almost vaudevillian display of gross ineptitude. It was like a slasher flick centered around an axe murderer who keeps slipping on banana peels and slicing off his own limbs—My Bloody Valentine meets The Three Stooges. I am not sure such a thing exists, nor any perfect analogue for that matter. Our commission is truly sui generis.

Then again, maybe it was all part of some sick joke, like Candid Camera meets The Truman Show where each and every resident is Truman. Or maybe the city commission was the subject of a mockumentary, a farcical dark comedy that is a study of what happens when a bunch a depraved misfits take control of a local government. Think House of Cards but where everyone is really, really stupid.

Whatever it was, it was so outrageous it was hard to believe, hard to make sense of. But I have to be honest, I am not sure it matters anymore. KFC is cooked—extra crispy. They are trapped in a negative feedback loop whereby every time they are criticized for doing something dumb, they are compelled to do something dumber just to prove the critics wrong, which then leads to even more criticism, which then leads them to do something even dumber, and so on.

What’s more, becoming stuck in this loop seems to have compromised their situational awareness, which might explain why they did not appear fazed by the fact that virtually everyone in the room last week was there to defend the manager. By the way, those were not just residents begging them to do the right thing, that was math. That was pure electoral arithmetic shaking KFC by the shoulders and shouting, “if you go through with this you’re done.” From Dorothy Thomson, to Chip Withers, to Mike Mena, to Carl Prime, to Andy Murai, to Nicolas Cabrera, and the many, many more who either spoke or wrote in—the number and volume of the non-overlapping spheres of influence that coalesced in opposition to firing the manager was nothing short of stunning.

Cognitive Chinese finger traps

Nonetheless, there does not appear to be any hope of talking KFC or what is left of their cargo cult off the ledge. You cannot use reason to talk someone out of a position they did not reason their way into. Often times, the more you try to reason with someone who is emotionally entrenched in a bad proposition, the more deeply entrenched they become—it is like a cognitive Chinese finger trap.

It is why it seems pointless to relitigate KFC’s case, such as it was, for terminating the manager. There is probably no moving you if you believe that:

• The manager defied the commission when he literally told them he would do whatever they wanted no matter how stupid.

• The manager was doing the bidding of an incredibly well-disguised Lago-Anderson-Kirk alliance (the same Kirk who just fired him) this whole time.

• The manager outperforming on every meaningful municipal performance metric is somehow outweighed by unsubstantiated claims that he mismanaged Burger Bob’s and other few lease renewals that represent less than 1% of the city’s budget.

• The manager of a mid-sized city should conduct himself more like the manager of a Bennigan’s and personally be at the beck and call of every Karen with a tree-trimming complaint.

• Fritz and Franz was anything more to Ariel than a wedge issue that could be used to take another shot at the manager after the first bullet missed and hit Ariel’s ego instead.

Ariel working diligently on September 29, 2023. If only there were some kind of electronic computational device located in his taxpayer-funded office that would have allowed him to open the Fritz and Franz email sent to him the day before.

Moreover, if you do not already recognize just how impossibly bad KFC’s planning and execution was in all this, there is probably little anyone can do to change that either. It is hard to imagine getting through to anyone who is not already put off by the following:

• KFC losing their publicly anointed successor after he realized Ariel manipulated him.

• Kirk, up to the very last minute, lying to everyone (except Ariel and Dr. Castro) about not knowing how he intended to vote, but then revealing during the commission meeting, via a lengthy prepared statement, that he had a successor, Ralph Cutié, his old high-school buddy, already lined up.

• Ralph Cutié, therefore, knowing that the city manager was going to be fired before the actual residents of Coral Gables did.

• KFC serendipitously finding themselves in total agreement over firing the manager after they had just spent several days on a joint trip to Tallahassee; a trip that Ariel refused to allow any city liaisons to join…for some odd reason.

• The city’s mayor and vice mayor being intentionally left in the dark about any of this.

• Kirk not thinking to speak with Miami-Dade County, Mr. Cutié’s current employer, before trying to poach him and, in so doing, instantly earning Coral Gables reprimands from the county mayor and several county commissioners.

• Kirk having to backtrack and propose having mere “conversations” with Mr. Cutié without bothering to set any parameters for those conversations (Conversations with whom at the city? Who is in charge? What are the terms?).

• The fact that Mr. Cutié would have come to Coral Gables with more baggage than Peter Iglesias could ever dream of having.

• KFC being so desperate to summarily fire the manager that they almost forgot they had to appoint an acting city manager and thus ended up blindsiding the assistant city manager, Mr. Parjus, by spontaneously nominating him.

• The fact that Lago and Anderson were the only ones who thought it might be wise to ask Mr. Parjus if he would be willing to accept the role of acting city manager given the fact that he is a human being and possess free will.

• Dr. Castro having a conniption fit and babbling about privacy at the mere suggestion of asking Mr. Parjus if he would accept the temporary role she just publicly forced upon him.

• Mr. Parjus almost rejecting that temporary role due to being visibly unsettled by what was happening.

• The fact that after all this, Mr. Cutié, upon seeing the dumpster fire he was about to dive into, rejected Kirk’s offer and announced he would stay put at the county.

  

Meanness to an end

Peter Iglesias served as city manager for over five years. Unlike past managers, he did not falsify documents, withhold information from elected officials, or use city funds to pay his personal political consultants. He did not embarrass the city with outlandish antics or untoward behavior. He enjoyed, until his very last day, overwhelming and unqualified support from the vast majority of his community.

He did not, however, enjoy the support of KFC, and for that reason alone, that cardinal sin, he was bitterly denied a dignified exit. He was robbed of the chance to finish not only his last week, not only his last day, but his last meeting. He was made to sit stoically on the dais, watch in impotent silence as three sleazy and glutenous grifters ended his career out of pure spite, stand up with what pride he could salvage, and leave the room amidst a chorus of cheers, sobs, and defiant applause. He was forced to walk defeatedly out the door—the same door Ariel commanded him to head for just three weeks earlier—and to do it as his whole city watched.

The city manager was not just dismissed, he was not just ousted, he was cast out. He was handled as if he were a clear and present danger to the city who could not be trusted to remain in power for a moment longer. He was cynically portrayed as a crisis that had to be averted, a threat that had to be eliminated, and an example that had to be made. All because he was doing his job.

Not every rational gap can be bridged, but visceral connections have a virtually unlimited range. How the manager was treated at his final meeting, the lack of grace, the excessive cruelty, the unnecessarily abrupt dismissal, the lack of gratitude for his time and dedication, the refusal to acknowledge the many things that even his detractors admit he did well, the mind-boggling narcissism of KFC, who somehow found a way to eschew any sense of reluctance and instead cast themselves as victims heroically putting their own safety at risk for the good of the city—this is what has resonated throughout the community. This is what the residents have been talking about, the manager’s supporters and detractors alike. This is the new common ground.

A small minority of the community will stand by KFC for firing of the manager. An even smaller minority will be willing to overlook the one-legged-man-on-a-unicycle planning and execution that went into it. But beyond a small band of irrelevant malcontents, few in this community will tolerate the sheer repugnancy of what they witnessed last week. Mark my words.

KFC will not admit this. They may not even understand it. But it is true nonetheless. If only they would leave their protective bubble of confirmation bias for even a second, they would see it is about to pop.

Part 2 still to come…