Dysfunction by Design

Promises made. Promises kept.

“The city commission is broken!” That’s the refrain you’re bound to hear whenever Coral Gables politics enters the conversation these days, and, depending on who you’re talking to, one that’s liable to be infused with as much feigned indignation as Captain Renault’s famous line from Casablanca:

Before going any further, I should absolve those among us who aren’t in the grip of a chemical addiction to politics, those who keep tabs on city hall with what some might call a “healthy detachment.” Their displeasure with the commission’s devolution is mostly genuine, although I’m not sure we’re supposed to care. Remember, it’s now official: Coral Gables is the exclusive domain of the civic elite, the uber-engaged. It’s why we couldn’t dare allow the city’s elections to be moved to November, as God forbid anyone who isn’t on the CGNA subscriber list casts a vote. Can you imagine how toxic and divisive and broken the commission would be if mere commoners were encouraged to vote? Can you imagine the dysfunction?

Heavens no, we must continue to deter engagement from the masses, from people who don’t allow themselves to be defined entirely by their political grievances, from people who don’t have cluster-B personality disorders and for whom activism isn’t a fix for an addiction to conflict and a salve for debilitating boredom. We must ensure that our elections remain as exclusive and cloistered as last April’s—which produced abysmally delightfully low turnout—so that we may continue to engender politics that are as pristine as they are today.

But, really, the rest of us shouldn’t be surprised. What we did in April was the equivalent of taking in two feral cats from underneath the broken-down 1992 Buick LeSabre parked in front of the dilapidated house across the street only to wake up the next day and wonder why our curtains are shredded and our entire home suddenly reeks of cat piss. Hello, McFly!

Actually, some will say the death of collegiality on the commission has little to do with our two recently elected luminaries or their new footman. They’ll say it’s mostly sour grapes from Lago because he’s butthurt that his preferred candidates lost. Never mind the fact that Lago has held public office for over 10 years and was somehow able to work with commissioners such as Jeannett Slesnick and Jorge Fors, both of whom beat candidates that Lago supported. Weird how the commission didn’t descend into chaos back then.

Does Lago need to criticize his adversaries on TV and radio? No. Does he need to direct snippy remarks toward his colleagues? No. Does he need to play gotcha with them when they say or do blatantly stupid things? No.

Then again, does a man need to fight back when he’s repeatedly having his head slammed into the sidewalk by an enraged mob? No, he could just take the beating until he slips into a coma like a civilized person. At least he’d die with his principles intact.

Still, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the problem with the new commission is mostly the new part. Crazy, I know. But I’ve been doing a little retrospective research, and, wouldn’t you know, I’ve come across an obscure digital document that predates the April election. One that all but foretold the mayhem that has since transpired and that illuminates the dark inner workings of a highly destructive figure. Some call it the prophecy of doom, but its official designation is voteariel.com.

The Munibomber’s Manifesto

It was nice of Ariel to leave his campaign website up for posterity. Many of us ignored it during the campaign, which I’ve come to realize was a mistake. Nothing divulges quite like the horse’s mouth, particularly when the horse in question is a raging narcissist who can’t distinguish between vice and virtue.

I don’t have the space to feature the whole site, or even a page, but you can visit it yourself at voteariel.com. Fortunately, I do have room to paste a few sections from the site’s “My Record” page, which is where all the good stuff is anyway.

Let’s begin with Ariel’s preamble:

Going negative has become a staple of political campaigns and politics. Candidates are always seeking to put down their opponents. Ariel’s work for the community has not come without scars. As a wise man once said, “if you don’t have them you have not accomplished much.”

Over the last 20 years Ariel has dedicated himself to building a better community and a government that is more responsive to the needs of residents.

It’s always a good sign when a candidate has to open with a disclaimer. It’s like when a TV show begins with “Warning: Viewer Discretion is Advised.” You know you’re in for something positive and uplifting. Better yet, it’s like meeting your daughter’s new boyfriend and the first thing he does is lift his shirt to show you all the knife scars he got while he was in prison. At least he’ll protect your little girl when he’s not beating her up, amirite?

But, really, a campaign website is where a candidate is supposed to put his best foot forward, so you know something isn’t quite right when Ariel’s best foot has to be prefaced with a disclaimer that can be paraphrased thusly: “Look, this isn’t going to be pretty, but just know that all the trouble I caused, I caused for you!”

Ariel’s First Amendment Rights Were Violated

Following large crime sprees and public safety concerns in 2015, Ariel advocated on behalf of residents to then Assistant City Manager for Public Safety Frank Fernandez (no relation). The Assistant City Manager and then City Manager Cathy Swanson Rivenbark, both of whom were forced to resign soon thereafter, requested the City Attorney’s office to send Ariel a cease and desist letter prohibiting him from asking any questions about public safety. This act against a resident was a clear First Amendment Right violation. Ariel fought, independent of the Courts, and secured the full withdrawal of the letter from the City Attorney. Ariel has always voiced his opinion on the importance of accountability of staff. His record proves he will be a strong voice for residents on the City Commission. READ: Political Cortadito – City uses legal muscle to gag Coral Gables activist.

Oof. So this is what Ariel thinks you should know above all else? That his rights were violated? That he was issued a cease and desist letter? That government employees were forced to resign? On that last part, only someone as vicious as he can look at someone’s resignation and think, “Damn that’s sexy. How can I take credit for that?”

And what do we know about the massively important underlying issue? Nothing. What were the ideological questions involved? The facts? The circumstances? He doesn’t tell us because that’s not what matters. What matters is that Ariel was violated, victimized, silenced, persecuted. What matters isn’t what happened to the city, per se, but what happened to Ariel. Got it?

Gables Insider

Ariel is the Founder and Editor of Gables Insider, the largest circulating news publication in the City of Coral Gables. Gables Insider has provided Coral Gables residents and stakeholders the most complete coverage of City Commission meetings, deals being considered and actions being taken by our City government. The publication has always made it a priority to point out facts with access to documentation for readers to make educated decisions on issues. Writing about issues at City Hall has brought about serious opposition from those in office and those in leadership roles. Ariel has always maintained full independence and remained unbought and unbossed.

Ah, yes, Gables Insider, the bright beacon of truth that was neither an amateurish pay-to-play propaganda tool for anyone willing to fork over a few bucks, nor a cynically cultivated well of disinformation designed to rile up a bloodthirsty base while positioning its proprietor as a savior-in-waiting. Actually, it was definitely those things, but also a way for Ariel to systematize the rabble-rousing and reputational warfare through which he has always derived status. (And, yes, I know Gables Insider technically still exists, but, eh, does it really?)

Once again, I can’t feature every section in its entirety. The rest are a little thin anyway. But so that you have a gist of Ariel’s entire oeuvre, just know that the remainder of the “My Record” page features a lot more preventing, speaking out, and irritating; cosplay dressed up as advocacy; unfalsifiable claims that he accomplished things he definitely didn’t accomplish; and an obligatory mention of time spent working for the vile David Rivera. Again, you should read it yourself.

Own it

In all seriousness, it’s impossible to reconcile any of this with the idea that Ariel (and by extension, Melissa) are the victims here. Ariel’s record, such as it is, is much more than a gentle departure from the norm, it’s a stark repudiation of it. Notice how despite there being nearly a trillion photos of Ariel on social media, it’s almost impossible to find one of him at a beach cleanup or a food drive? Notice how you don’t see much of him at Community Foundation events? Notice how he doesn’t really volunteer his time to help people, feed people, or clothe people? That’s because none of that touchy feely stuff is in his wheelhouse.

Controversy, confrontation, agitation—that’s where Ariel lives. That’s where he thrives. It’s as if everywhere the man goes he leaves a trail of destruction behind him, one that’s littered with the charred remains of public servants who crossed him. Community building? That’s for the birds. Political scalp-hunting is where it’s at.

But the most galling thing of all is that so many of you knew this and, to this day, refuse to own it. You knew your man, you knew he would sow chaos on and off the dais if elected. It’s why you voted for him, and it’s why you acted like a bunch of rowdy plebs at the Colosseum when you attended his swearing-in ceremony.

And, yet, here you are now, the Captain Renaults among us, feigning disgust at the very outcomes you helped manifest. You cheer when political grenades are lobbed at your enemies, but then unfurl your fans and ventilate your corseted breasts with Victorian modesty as soon as they explode, “My goodness, Mr. Darcy, how can anyone countenance such barbaric behavior?”

Oh, please. Dysfunction is what you wanted, and, to your credit, precisely what you promised you’d bring about if you ever seized the levers of power. What I don’t understand is why suddenly you’re pretending otherwise, as if the CGNA e-blasts never went out, as if the Gables Insider comments section wasn’t rife with schlock like this:

…Liars, thieves, crooks, criminals, sell outs, corruption, they’re cooking the books, they’re lining their pockets, take back our city, send them all packing, drain the swamp, fire the manager, fire everybody, put them in handcuffs, L’Ego, Rhonda the Lapdog, Kirk the Weasel, the Cuban Mafia…

What’s that supposed to be, your love language? Listen, it’s a free country and you can shriek as much as you like. Let those freak flags fly. It’s not even all bad—L’Ego is kind of funny anyway. All I really ask is that you own it.

Own the fact that subversives like Maria Cruzchev are not, in fact, highly engaged residents selflessly keeping the powers that be in check, but rather pathologically vindictive individuals who use activism to derive a sense of purpose and assuage a long list of psychological issues, and that if you cared about them or your community, and if you wanted less dysfunction at city hall, you wouldn’t encourage them, but rather stage an intervention and convince them to go back to 14-whatever Miller Road or wherever they came from, turn on The View, and chill the hell out.

Own the fact that the slightly lesser of the two evils you elected probably didn’t even live in the Gables until a couple of years ago (check out the Miami address that Dr. Castro represented as a Coral Gables address on her driver’s license) and that this was but one of the many liabilities you were happy to overlook thanks to her being a useful idiot who you could goad into doing your dirty work. Own the fact that if you had any respect for her, you wouldn’t have put her name on those ghostwritten and ethically dubious “op-eds” that the rest of us believe she wrote the same way we believe Stevie Wonder was a sniper in the Marine Corps.

Own the fact that the leader of your movement is a preternatural troublemaker that was sent to the commission to destroy it so that it may be rebuilt in your image. Own the fact that as he forces you to defend him for committing the very crimes for which you’ve crucified others, he is all the while destroying your dignity. And own the fact that, despite it all, you just don’t care.